I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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