who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Damn victory sex feels great
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
