So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
