you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
