I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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