the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
