The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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