I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize