why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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