and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
