ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize