i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
