I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
