he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
