Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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