I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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