You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize