we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
