i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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