his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
