I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
