Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
