i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
