is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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