i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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