Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
