Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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