What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
