rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
