Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
