I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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