Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
