Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
