The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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