We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
