Betty ford says i'm here all night
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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