I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
