I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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