dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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