he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
