When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Randomize
