May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
