And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
