today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
