i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
