I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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