At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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