i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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