I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
