Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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