I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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