So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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