nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Randomize
