i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
