He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
