I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize