Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
