ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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