I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
