that's what penises do
they tell lies.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
